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This happened over the weekend.
The wife and I got hitched about a month ago, but have been together for 6 years. We have been enjoying each other’s ahem company quite a bit since we got married. Something about saying ‘I Do’ really got the freak juices a flowing if you catch my drift.
So Aunt Flow was supposed to visit last week but never showed up. That’s cool, we just got married and then we immediately moved and didn't really get a chance for a honeymoon. Stress can delay mother nature for a few days. It has happened with her before… But then my wife got one morning and spewed all over the bathroom. As she kissed the porcelain god, a wave of panic encompassed my being.
I, a man child of 26 years, could possibly have spawned another human being... My entire adolescence flashed before my eyes. Visions of little league games, late nights playing Halo, Ninja Turtle themed birthday parties, and drunken college shenanigans danced around in my head. I then pictured myself sitting at the kitchen table surrounded by dirty diapers while doing taxes. I have to be a grown up now… Fuck.
So my wife is freaking out a bit, but being the amazing husband I am, I tell her to lie(lay?) down and I head up to the store and grab her a pregnancy test. I get to the local CVS and start making my way down the aisles trying to find a plastic stick for my wife to pee on. As I am looking, I pass through the toy aisle with all the goofy, crappy, cheap toys they sell at drug stores. You know, the cap guns, the bouncy balls that don’t bounce, the puzzles, that stuff. Looking over these toys I am crippled again with Nostalgasm from my youth. I remembered going up to Eckerd (before they became ‘Rite-Aid’; whatever I still call them Eckerd to this day) and begging my mom for an awesome Beast Wars Transformer to play with. I smiled as I looked at this generation’s Transformers that don’t turn into tigers and raptors, but are still pretty sweet in their own right. It was right there that I decided that I need to get in some last minute youth stuff in order to come to terms with my fate. But what on earth could make me feel like a kid again? Oh shit They have Candy.
Sweet, sweet Candy.
I merrily skipped to the Candy aisle and began perusing their selection. I was determined to buy it all. Butterfingers, Snickers, Mr. Goodbar, Goobers, Reese’s (pronounced Ree-sez, not Ree-Sees for those of you who are illiterate Dickspanks) were all cradled into my arms as I began to beam with joy. Candy fucking rocks and I’m going to eat it all and no one will tell me otherwise because I’m an adult (but I don’t want to be so I’m buying candy to feel young again). I was about to head to the checkout when I noticed a treat that I had not even thought of since I was a young lad: Fun Dip. For those who don’t know, this is fun dip. I remember getting hopped up on that crap before my mother would dump me off at my Babysitter’s when she had to go out somewhere and couldn’t take me. Then I remembered the amazingly tasty dipping stick and how you use your own spit to scoop out the sugar from the separate pouch. I actually said “oh hell yes” out loud, grabbed 3 Fun Dip packs and made my way to the counter. After paying for the Candy and then remembering why I went there in the first place, I grabbed a pregnancy test and drove home.
My wife was in bed, looking sickly and pale and I rushed in with the test and showed her my grocery bag filled with delicious treats beaming with pride as if I were a child showing someone my candy haul from Halloween. She was not as amused as I was, but Doesn’t matter, have candy. I open up a Reese’s and dig in as my wife trudges to the toilet to pee. As I wait for her, I continue my newfound quest for diabeetus and stuff my face with sugary treats. I finish off my Reese’s and decide now is the time to Dip into some Fun. I grab a pack and begin to furiously suck off the candy stick in a manner that would make Jenna Haze jealous. When it is good and lubricated, I jam the stick it into the sugar to coat all the moist areas that it may come in contact with, Throw that bad boy back in my mouth and accept the sugary scratchy goodness on my tongue. Lather, Rinse, Repeat.
Wife comes out of the bathroom, goes towards the bed and rests the pregnancy test on her nightstand without the cap (gross woman, you just peed on that) and tells me it is time to wait. Me being the observant and attentive husband that I am, Notice something off about my wife. I ask her if everything is alright and she starts to cry. I walk over to her as she sits on our bed, put my Fun dip down, and give her a hug. She is scared. Of course she is, she’s about to grow a baby, carry it around for 9 months then force it out of her body as it splits her in half. I’d be scared too. We certainly haven’t planned for this, but we decide no matter what happens, we will keep the baby and move forward. I try to cheer her up and I offer her some Fun Dip, (because I’m an amazing and considerate husband) and we make out on the reg, so why wouldn’t she want some? She declines and sniffles, so I try and make her laugh by maintaining eye contact and reaching for the pack and saying “Are you suuuuuuuuuuure? It’s delicioussssssssss”. I then jam the stick into the sugar and plunge it into my mouth. This is where I fucked up.
Her eyes grow wide, and I immediately notice that this scoop of sugar tastes... off… and colder than it normally does...
I pull the stick out of my mouth, and to my horror, am looking at a pregnancy test covered in green sugar crystals. My mouth agape, I look at the nightstand, and see the fun dip stick, sitting by its lonesome, taunting me like the little bitch that it is, glistening from the slob job I had given it earlier. My bottom lip quivers, as a faint “no” escapes from my soul and out my mouth.
Queue Hysterical laughter from my wife as I scream like a 5 year old girl that just saw a spider and run to the bathroom to vomit all the sugar and chocolate that I had consumed not even 10 minutes earlier. She couldn’t stop laughing.
Test ended up being negative (she tried another one that wasn't "compromised") and she had food poisoning. She got her period later that day.
TL:DR: Pregnancy scare leads to quarter-life crisis, that ends with me eating pee.
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